I was indebted to time to face the changes in my life. I was accepting the truth of life that day when my only son was to leave for abroad after attending the last rites of my wife, who was with me for about a golden jubilee period. He knew that I would be alone in that mere house, which was a sweet home because of his mother, so he emphasised me to be careful regarding diet and health. I knew that my bird had flown forever with the memory of the past.
I had a memory of three generations, sufficient to recall – my childhood with grandparents and parents and life with a devoted wife who was in the photo then, leaving me alone. She had broken her promise to be with me forever to take a last breath together. It was not in our control and time again proved to be a strong ruler.
We had been married at the time when the country was taking strides towards growth and development, to be at par with other developed countries. In those days, a boy, either having a government job or remarkable ancestral properties, was considered suitable for marriage. She came into my life because of my job. We played the music of time together and wrote many memorable chapters for ancestors and self. One day, she wrote a beautiful living chapter to add one baby to the new generation, endangering her life, to be complete to pay the debts of our forefathers.
Time was not waiting for anyone or anything. But many things were changing and many old concepts had paved the way for new thinking, controlled by the outcomes of developments. We were also affected. Those villages, where we grew up and saw less selfishness in relationships, appeared to be unattractive, unhealthy, and backwards, as compared to growing cities. We visited our villages on certain occasions to complete rituals but decided to restrict ourselves to cities for the sake of our son, and better education and infrastructure. My parents never lived with us for a long time due to the village’s attraction and we could not leave the city because of our son’s better future. My parents, one by one, left the world forever for the unseen world and our joint family disintegrated into a nuclear family. All brothers and sisters were scattered in the country in pursuit of a better life and the village’s population had declined. We all met occasionally. Our children could not get time to mingle and they became unknown to each other. Our interests, with the passage of time, became detrimental to many established thoughts and we tried to be part of the show business of society.
We were developing. The wheel of progress was moving. The self-contained time passed at the same pace. One day, our son got admission, in the desired subject, to the top-ranking institute in the country. He left the home for his wings to fly. I got a promotion in my job with more responsibilities and less time for my family. The son was away. I was involved mostly both in the office and at home, paying the price of the job responsibilities. My wife, who had her life for us, became alone in that big home, which was her heaven. She became silent. Her smile was occasional. One day, she lost all hopes to be together again when our son declared his decision to go abroad for a lucrative job. We tried to convince him to stay in the country but he became prey to the brain drain.
History repeated the self. Our son had left the country for a good job. I had left my village for the city for a better pasture. We both had the same attitudes but in different ways. We, barring our parents, became part of the crowd. The development and desire to excel consumed relations. The stories were the same but the scene was affected differently. We were in the nearby city to our village and could go regularly to meet our parents but, in our case, that was not possible. That condition affected my wife the most. It was aggravated by my job’s condition. It had not permitted me more time for family, as if the company was fully dependent on me. My wife became very alone, only active to complete her duties for me. She became very silent.
My home had been a hotel for me and she had been a statue. One day, I analysed my financial needs and decided to leave the job for ourselves. But my request was rejected by the authorities. Even my application for leave was not accepted. I could not give more time to her. One day, her condition deteriorated and she was hospitalised for treatment. All symptoms were related to her anxieties. I knew the reason and called the son to be with her for some days. She recovered fast and I got my wife back in normal condition.
I asked, rather than requesting my son to continue here forever, for his mother. But he logically and diplomatically expressed his helplessness. Once again, history repeated itself when he told that we settled in the city due to a lack of basic needs related to infrastructure. That was also applicable in his case on a larger scale. He recalled the memory of difficulties in getting the work done in various offices. There were no facilities as compared to his present country of stay. I smiled to know the change in attitude. He said that he had seen venomous political debates on channels of TV, wherein everyone tried to be right, dividing the society on various grounds and having strategies for the growth of the country. Most of them had changed political parties many times. Their principles had changed for getting tickets in elections. People did not have traffic sense and respect for children and aged persons on the roads. Ease of living norms was not present even after so many years.
I could not admire his analysis. I guessed that his stay was not possible because of his experiences in a new country. I took a chance to convince him. I recalled the thinking and analytical potentials of our ancestors and valuable literature, full of findings, related to all walks of life from nature to the universe to the almighty, given to the world. Those were useful in the present day also. Because of those abilities, we had the qualities to excel. When opportunities knocked, we grabbed them but other countries were using us in the form of a brain drain, alluring us, as the money mattered and facilities attracted. We had many things to give to the world as a family. Everyone is looking towards our country for peace and cultural richness. You might be missing there in a new country.
I accepted his denial to continue as the fate and destiny of my wife. We, as parents, blessed him with a bright life ahead. I had seen waves deep in the eyes of my wife while kissing the head of her son. She missed him a lot. I took voluntary retirement after continuous persuasion to look after her. We had a memory as treasures.
The success of our son in life had bought pleasure and recognition in society. We were judged as the best parents. We had seen proud moments and now we were facing problems. After a few years, my wife left me alone. She, at the last time, was seeing towards the door, waiting for her son. Her son came to attend her last rites, but he was worried about me. I was thankful for his concern but he could not continue in this country. I was not having hope anymore.
After his departure, I enquired in many institutions and old age homes about my stay for the rest of my life. I realised, for the first time, the plights of old people in society. In our youth phase, I gave priority to hay days and forgot about doomsday. I was alone with many problems. Developments took their toll. I felt that life was not financial management controlled by fund managers but it needed a highly devoted service manager. Money in the bank’s account chided me. I assumed the conditions of my parents, the last time when I had become a parent.
CHILD IN SEPARATION- A Story
Am I a broken soul? Do I have an entity? Why do you not break the news related to me, as breaking news, showing for many hours on your TV channels?
Such were dialogues in a stage drama in which a boy was pleading before the judge on the fates of children facing the separation of parents because of the so-called heinous divorce. It was that part of the drama in which the boy was to choose one between his father and mother to live with after their separation.
The boy was fully prepared to open his plights of life. These were social and psychological problems. The boy told with full emphasis, ” he is a living gender in the world of so-called civilized society. He should not be treated as a commodity meant for sale to one person only. He has a soul that is on the earth because of two souls who have decided to increase their family – my parents. I am not ready to miss any of them naturally or unnaturally. My mother is like earth to me, and my father is like a mentor to show me the world. I want both of them for my growth, development and sustainability.
I am a witness to the heydays of my parents’ lives. I may not accept them separately because I am not a culprit, if their attitudes change toward each other later in life, I should not bear the brunt. As a child, I have my dreams to be in life. My future is related to both of them. I need their guidance, support, and togetherness for every moment.
My parents are the judges who have decided to bring me to life. Now, I should be given the right to decide their separation which I never accept because of their changing attitudes. I do not want to be like a helpless and hopeless boy who does wait for a predetermined particular day and time to meet one of the parents having a tag of divorcees. I do not want the part-time love of my parents. I do not want to be seen in society with pity. I know a few friends facing such situations. They are having many problems, especially psychological ones dealing with day-to-day work. Even classmates and friends change their views towards a child like me while talking. I do not want to be distinguished like that. If the father or mother remarriages, the condition of the stepchild becomes more pathetic. The condition of a girl child, who is supposed to have lion’s share to carry forward all the stigma of family, religion, traditions and society, is worse in this situation.
In my view, no parents should be allowed, in any condition, to be separated if they bear a child. Their relationship should not affect the future of a child. I know nowadays, due to social changes and so many opportunities present, parenting is also changing but the ultimate sufferers are children. These are taking a toll on children. Such persons who want to marry and also want to be parents in the future are supposed to be mature enough to know their responsibilities in life. A child who witnesses their affection and well-thought approach should not be a victim in the future, in their lives, if any kind of problem arises. I am not a child of an animal. I need to fight differently for existence in the changing world and I have to learn from and live with my parents.
Our society does not have any system to tackle such children. A child like me is also the future of a nation. I want to be a doctor. Who will bear my expenses for the same? A projected cost of studies, in case of no solution and ultimate separation, should be deposited or otherwise in the direction of a respectable Court, with direction to the automatic, timely release of funds to the concerned child like me. A third party under the full supervision of the court should be given the onus to look after such children. I do not want to go to any orphanage or shelter homes where situations may not be congenial, as I have read about many unhappy incidents in such dwellings in news. I am supposed to be the best but I do not want to be the definite worst.
I should not be prey to the unnoticed reasons that culminate later in the married life of my parents. This is not the judgement that is on my price. This is a kind of death warrant for my life in the world that judges everyone on its standard. No child is ready for this. I may not talk to God but I may tell my mind here in this world. I am not the only sufferer; society is to suffer also and bear the consequences of this human-made crime. Psychological and social studies, on children like me, are of no use if not giving lessons or redressal to stop such venomous acts.
Finally, I think that this story may be repeated in a second marriage. Then again, a child may face the same situation.
At last, I want to live with both of them so my parents should be punished to live together forever in life or till I become able and become independent. I am positive in the hope that I will be the reason for the revival of their togetherness.”
The message in the drama was very clear to settle the differences in married life in view of the future of children.
Hasty decisions should be avoided and separation should be last to come to mind with the closure of all options to be under one roof. Moreover, decisions at every step in life, mainly after marriage, should be well thought out, discussed and analyzed to avoid future problems, especially those related to children. The future of a child should be ensured until he or she becomes independent.
Departure – A story for compromise
Where have we reached? Which direction are we going? Have we expected this? I was with my oldest friend. We started our lives together on this earth on the same date in the same village. What a miracle we are together since then – in school, in service and after retirement. So we are one soul. We know each other better than our parents.
God has given us full support with his blessings. But at the last stage of life, my friend is very disturbed because of his granddaughter. She was good in health and wealth but her married life’s conditions took the shelter of court for friendly separation after three years of married life. He was perturbed. Whatever was earlier considered unacceptable, is happening friendly nowadays. No one wants to compromise or tolerate odds. Why should only I? This question is worse than hell. In our time society, relatives and family members could not tolerate or accept such thinking. Marriage means, being together forever. It is made in heaven. But, now it has a different approach. My life is mine. My decision is for my welfare. My and I are first. My family and your family or many other factors are also playing roles.
All changes in the thinking and society took full review in our minds. We were happy and together in paucity. Now, our limitations appeared lovely. We had roots intact and love to love all. Our homes were first on the priority list. Our expectations and anticipations were close-knit with family, friends and society.
We accept that women have been the worst sufferers due to full dependency on males in the family. We had realised it in our lives at early stages. We had seen restrictions on girl students – no more movements, no liberty, limited education and full obedience. We had read about many improvements but problems were there because of a lack of education and independence. We had realised the position of women in villages and encouraged our daughters to get full education for independence.
We accept that our daughters took care of their daughters and our granddaughters are financially independent, ready to take decisions and courageous to face problems. They are doing better and giving messages to be educated. They have taken the opportunities.
We are both friends and have witnessed developments and growth in resources of education and support to girls to be free of plights seen by their predecessors. But a new type of problem differentiating villages and cities in regards to the availability of essential facilities has taken place. Villagers went to cities, though living in miserable situations there, did not want to return to their native places. Old people from the village may not live with their sons and relatives in the city because of outsiders’ feelings, restrictions and lack of a healthy climate etc.
Everyone in the village was having a relationship, and helping attitude during thick and thin. They were one. They had news of all. These things are missing in cities. Most of the population migrated from villages, like leaves separated from original trees and flying with the mercy of the wind. So, the history of many families is not known in the city. But in villages, such is not the case of missing family history. These all help in making discussions and taking decisions. It is very informative for an institution like marriage. It is somewhat missing in cities. Most of the marriages are solemnised only on discussions between the two aspirants or through matrimonial sites where the roles of elders in the family are to agree only. After marriages, in most cases, turmoil starts because of a lack of submission, compromise, healthy dialogue and huge differences in views. Besides these financial matters, male dominating ego, financial independence of females and family’s interference on both sides are also aggravating the relationships. Then the roles of courts for separations and freedom from misery come.
My oldest friend’s granddaughter was also prey to all such nuances and the matter was in court for friendly separation. But separation is always harmful and should not be encouraged. Two families lose good time, money, and healthy society structures. The children of such families suffer the most. My friend was very upset about the deteriorating values of life. We are the example to foreigners of centuries-old family values and cultures. They are adopting our values and we are accepting their ” use and throw ” lifestyles. What a pity?
My friend was weeping and I could only console him. We could only help each other. We know that the reasons may be many but education has to control the mind and thinking. In the education system, another English system is playing a role? Perhaps, we may never see daughter-in-law, mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law together to retain the traditions and culture. No doubt, everyone matters but compromise may not be ruled out. We compromise at every place – education, working places, and otherwise. But we do not want to compromise on the most important aspect of life. Why? The ego of being male or female?
Earlier we had come across a case where the husband was jailed for mischief in married life, but compromise got a place after discussion and the couple is living together. Ugly separation should be the last option.
My friend said no one may be perfect with all qualities but live together with all odds, with willpower. Arguments and differences are spices in life. Now life is not easy. It is full of tension, leading to depression. Psychological problems and monetary situations are playing roles in life. We know the repercussions of fiscal positions in behaviours. We in the village face it but have the satisfaction of not purchasing everything from the market for living and meeting both ends. Most of us have our own house and produce our items for food. We live with limited resources. But in the city where payment has to be made for everything, fiscal conditions affect life and such situations may arise if there are differences in views of life in marriage. During the economic recession, we found the end of many families in many countries due to the bankruptcy of many industries and fiscal institutions etc. Such separation was rampant.
My friend became more serious and said we should take care of the future from the very beginning of service because in this world money matters more than relationships. It may bring peace at every stage of life. It may stop separation on any basis. We have travelled from the combined to the nuclear family stage. No one is ready to sacrifice for life. Growth in a career in service is more important than family. Even children are considered a hurdle in life. Is it life where no one is to share or cheer emotions of life? We are becoming a machine. Now, education on our social and moral values is a must to avoid such separations.
I agreed with my friend but not completely. This difference is the basis of our friendship. We fight but discuss the reasons for the fight. We never forget our smiles.
CONFUSION-The story for beginning
It was a valid question. How long may we go together? She asked. For me ” Why ” was involved in this doubt. So I wanted to know the reason for that question before the beginning of an important phase of life.
She replied that the world is changing fast, so we may also change with the world in time. I smiled to know more. She went on to speak on many examples of having negative impacts and broken lives, full of tears. I agreed for a little but tried to convince her to explore deeply as a social and personal researcher.
We have many types of lives, in one life given and fully controlled by the almighty for duration and extent. In that one life, social responsibilities give this opportunity where two are involved to grow together as one entity to procreate. This life is the main centre surrounded by many types of activities and lives expecting responsibilities. This is a fact where competition should not come in mind to dominate over each other. We should not compromise but cooperate and trust each other for the best results. The natural duties assigned to different genders may not be changed. One may assist or cooperate in such functions.
We are social animals, not like wild animals where most of the duties are responsibilities of females, especially towards children. But such is not the case with us, human beings, as we have developed brains to excel. The moment a relation is given a name, the identity changes with certain terms, as an addition in relation. In your question, this marriage is of this kind.
I agree to accept that society has been very much conservative in this matter towards females, having attitudes mainly restricted to the kitchen and family. Those were the days when education was not in approach of all females and self-reliance was a dream to them. Those conditions began changing when the social revolution started and became successful after a lot of resistance. But still, the plight is not completely over because of male dominating attitudes. Even highly educated males are having such attitudes and their animal instincts dominate occasionally.
Now, after a few generations, the pathetic old conditions of females are changing their course, towards equality and equal terms because of the spread of education among them.
She looked at me differently for more. I continued. Please ignore the doubts and confusion because they kill the future and ruin life. Whatever we are at present, is because of our parents who were not knowing our futures and proceeded in their lives with positive attitudes. We always advance towards an unknown future and our positive attitudes pave the way. Everything will never be smooth and relations are tested in thick and thin. We should always remember that two are better than one to face any situation. One should give inspiration about satisfaction and cooperation. No one is perfect. So more doubt on self’s willpower and control may not bring anticipated results. Yes, there is no doubt that every relationship asks for sacrifice, ignorance, adjustments and tolerance up to a certain extent. The relationship of the mother always demands sacrifice. No one may help you here, beyond a limit because it is above all relationships. Even God needs her.
My views helped her a little. She expressed her doubts because of the unsuccessful marriages of her many friends. She said that most of them are facing court cases. So, she has many doubts. ” Many doubts make someone weak and may lead to loneliness,” I said. You should analyse your confidence before taking a final decision but take lessons from your parent’s life. It is true that relations give rights but brings responsibilities also and life is not like one-way traffic. We should drive carefully. Your words and attitudes play important roles in every relationship. If necessary, one should interfere, otherwise, silence is the best medicine. Honest discussions may bring solutions. If you give a chance someone to be a judge for solutions then one may add fuel to the fire as per his or her interests. Whatever, I have told, is not new but needs refreshments through any means. She smiled a little with a meaningful stare, this time. I thought this is the right time to strike at the right place. I told her that you were too thoughtful to spoil the meaningful life ahead. Moreover, your over consciousness is questioning your self-confidence. Perhaps, you are silently accepting and endorsing the old concepts and traditions related to the conditions of women who were ill-treated, most of the time as slaves. Moreover, educated and self-reliant ladies should take the lead to change the male-dominated society. Rest is in your mind to decide. But one thing, we should never forget that our mothers have made us despite limited liberties. You may also change the world in any circumstance.
Finally, I smiled and said that I could not anticipate your questions to be asked in my old age about future generations, which might have come into existence because of your cooperation and sacrifices. You may not kill God gifted instincts of any gender.
At last, I have a question for you- what will be your reaction if you find out that a girl is proposing to a boy for togetherness in future? You should note in any generation, natural differences in males and females regarding physique, tenderness, nature, functions and responsibilities etc. may never change except in exceptional cases. You may face many such or other types of questions in times to come with more advancements and the spread of education.
This confession brought emotional reactions to her body from tip to toe. She smiled and proceeded on the important future venture in marriage with confidence. I am with her now blessed in madness in life.
THAT DAY – A STORY FOR CHANGE
That day, I was witnessing the other face of her mild appearance. Till that time, she was in dilemma, to continue in that city or not. I knew her, as she was one of my classmates. She was not the front or back bencher. Her favourite place was in the middle but I preferred back bench for my comfort in the classroom. I had attitude from very beginning, which still continued, to wait and watch, before making companion, then friend if frequency matched. Because of that, I had only a few friends.
She became my friend one day, after many long discussions on life and its meaning. She was serious and I was always in light, joyous mood to have concentration. I had my style. One day, I dared to ask about her liking for the middle bench in the classroom. That day, I had seen, for the first time, a light mood in her, when she smiled and said to have balance between ups and downs. I had guessed that that had been a serious smile. Life needed balance to exist in this biased world for females, leaving homes for a cause – she said. That day she told about the reason of her special psychology.
She had revolted in her conservative family of a village, for higher study in university and was meeting her needs by self employment. I had got not sympathy but honours for her, since that day.
Naturally, I became more supportive to her. I could not be her shadow but a good friend was in me for her.
That day, I had seen that she had cried, as her father had given ultimatum to be back to village for marriage. Marriage was the sole responsibility of her father who was impatient to complete it for the sake of village and community. She had refused but her mother, who was supportive to her, came to settle the issue. I had met her mother, as mediator for her dreams. I got that tradition was the hindrance. She did not want to be in house, helpless like mother and grandmother fully dependent on males whether husband, brothers or sons. She knew that education could only break the ice. Her mother was worried about getting a match in community after her higher qualification.
That day, she had broken on her fate in the hands of males. She wanted to change her destiny. I knew that she was really nervous. I was also helpless. She looked towards me. I could not face her, as I was also student. Her eyes asked support. That language was silent.
That day, I immediately met to an NGO supporting females for education. She was recognised for her will and new light of hope in her life and for many other females. She grabbed the opportunity. Her mother blessed and left with encouraging words to not forget rituals and be the example, for others.
She was finally left alone to sail in the world. She started a job in the same NGO after completion of education. I was also earning in the same city and frequently meeting her as friend.
One day, during discussion it was concluded that present engagement was not the end of the tunnel. It was decided to hold commanding position through administrative services. Due to her firm attitudes, commitment and continuous preparation, she was finally on an important chair to deliver for betterment of others.
She was glorified for her achievements. The leader of her community felicitated her. Her father and relatives were abstaining from her because of their egos. But that barrier was broken when she reached her village to lay foundation stone for girls school. Her motivational speech, encouraged girls and villagers took pledge to send their girls out of village for higher education. It was a sea change in the village’s history. She was given credit for her foresightedness that education was important weapon to change destiny. Her father was also getting respect from officials and villagers. She was accepted by her father who was repenting on his traditional attitudes, under pressure of community.
I was happy to note my role in the whole changes in a life and for a good cause. But that was not the end for me. One day, in an auto taxi she reached to my office without security and entered into my chamber hurriedly. To my utter surprise, she called my home’s nick name, lovingly given by my mother. She took a seat before me and without any hitch, told that she did not want discussions on life any more, that day, because she had discussed a lot with me. She wanted to give her life and took someone’s life. She wanted to give meaning and momentum to her life for future and continuity of her legacy. I told that I could not help in that extremely private matter. She laughed and said that was our matter and no one else was involved. She had decided to give ritualistic name to our friendship for social acceptance. I discussed a lot but she had taken permission from my parents. She was knowing that I had denied marrying many times. That day, she was woman of substance, eager to excell in all aspects of life. That day, her smile attacked on my nerves. I was the sailor for her – yours faithfully.
Ultimately, she took my hand and my life for her to be one. The good deeds continued. Story of life began and got meaning by the grace of almighty for others, from that day.
We were reciprocal to each other
santable 