I have the desire.
I have dreams.
I have pain.
I have persuasion.
But I have fear –
to leave midway,
to crave more,
I need you because –
You give courage.
You are my partner.
You are my companion.
You are my friend.
You are my teacher.
You are my guide.
You are my emotions.
I have a body and a soul. I have fed my body to keep it healthy to meet the worldly affairs, but I have forgotten my soul’s need to be near you my almighty. I am in dire need of you. I have faith in you but am about to face failure. Your faith in me may shatter. I know that you have been behind me in every action. So let me not be down. I want your blessings on the advent of my death. I pray you to be my sailor in this world and be my porter to carry me to your world. My rest is there. My peace is there. My life is there. This world is full of uncertainty and negotiation.
I hope this mail reaches you well to read me. My mail is blank, you may interpret me. Life is like that. I am not solely myself. Only a few things are mine in your name. I struggle to be noticed in this life because I have been prepared to struggle. The struggle has been my fate and I want to get rid of factors deviating me from drowning in your ocean.
My almighty! I have sent a blank mail because my life has begun like a blank slate or like a white sheet. I was not aware of the circumstances of worldly affairs until I got the sense to be responsive to situations. Since then, on the blank slate of my life, many things have been written. These are controlled by many factors- local, social, regional, traditional, cultural, religious and national etc.
I know that I am a part of this world and the world gives opportunities but with many hidden controlling contents. Whatever I see, are allurements. I am fish in the net. Net is made of controlling factors. These factors are brain teasers. All factors have been written on my slate of life as per time, space, requirements, intensity, expectations, use and outcomes. They have modified me into business material. I have been monetized. I have a fiscal value. I have been made materialistic in this mortal world.
My almighty, though I have developed a professional attitude and body language because of worldly factors yet your natural factors and embedded codes in my physique has affected me also. I have also performed accordingly as and when every factor has influenced me from outside and from within to be as per your will. But I have not trodden paths to be near you because of worldly factors and dissatisfaction in life due to competitive attitudes and habits to grab more to exist and sustain with maximum benefit, though minimum may have been sufficient to survive.
I have missed the bus leading to you my almighty. I have entertained virtual beauty instead of your real beauty coded in nature and humans. Your all factors have activated me in time but I have been camouflaged by need, deed and greed.
According to human-made factors I may be considered successful and suitable for everything. But I find myself on the verge of bankruptcy for thoughts for you almighty. The world thinks that I am independent but I think that it is a relative term and everyone is dependent on many things. Here, in this world, humanity and human rights are the talks of everywhere with controversial discrimination for self-praise. Humans have always missed real facts for existence because of self-centred complexes and every time a new harmful concept is occupying the central stage in the world. Here, respect is paid to the rising Sun, in every concept and It is common everywhere.
I am succumbing to my situation and have sent a blank mail to you with the hope of your light overshadowing worldly factors to be near you. I have been running on a very smooth surface and having falls continuously. I want to be in your shelter. I am a missing drop of your ocean. I want to acknowledge you only. Whatever problems hinder me, you know the solution. I am medium to blame but still, I know that you are doing good for your creatures. So, I do not want to acknowledge the mortal world. I want your love before I start hating myself.
No tears please,
Let the eyes be treasury.
No distance please,
Let the gap vanish.
No separation please,
Let life be pleasurable.
No anger please,
Let the bud turn into a flower.
No hurrying please,
Let me last with you.
No mercy please,
Let me die in your love.
No confusion please,
Let the tree bear fruits.
You talk to me –
With Your heart,
With your silence,
With your smile,
With your eyes,
With your sound,
With your face,
With your touch,
With your fingers,
With your pleasure,
With your joy.
You have meaning,
You have string,
You have emotions,
You have feelings,
You have mystery,
You have light,
You have descriptions,
You have destinations,
You have everything.
I do not want to lose you in my dreams too. You are to realise our dreams. You are my gift. You tease and deserve it at the same time. But you are my life. You are my present and my future is in you. You write. I read. You have made me optimistic through your heavenly body. Let me be honoured. Let me be devoted. Let me be reciprocal in love. Let me be liberated with you.
I am in search of my role in this world. One may preach to me as per ones thinking. It is the easiest job to perform. The onus of outcomes of my role will be solely mine. I may bear it. I will have to bear it. But my next question will crop up for further roles. So my role appears to be unlimited. Then I may search limit of unlimited for peace.
I have played many roles in worldly affairs at certain times as per destiny. Does my destiny fix my role? Destiny has given livelihoods and relationships for nurturing the future of self and generations to come. I have played my roles, like an ant to hoard before the rainy day, like a cow to give milk to rear offsprings, like a lion to protect my supremacy and like a rose flower to spread good fragrance etc. I have played my roles during thick and thin. I have played roles for the happiness of my dependents. They have accepted me as per their need and they have become independent. I have donated to religious places to express my gratitude to the almighty. I do not know the fate of this act. I have given alms to the poor and needy. I may have not been hundred per cent successful for all. I have tried to go beyond my limit for all possible efforts but I am to play a role other than these roles to prove my birth’s meaning as I am the most developed creature of nature. So my question is valid, despite all roles being played.
I am searching for my real role and meaning in my birth. I do not want to be limited but unlimited to all and sundry. I want to be like the wind for breathing to every needy creature of nature. I want to be like fruits bearing trees to cater to the needs of all. I want to be like a flowing river to ultimately meet the ocean and lose my existence in it. I want a role to be part of the ocean of almighty like a drop of water. Before that, I want to be light to remove the darkness in my heart and mind.
My almighty this world has several distractions to curtain your presence. So in my next birth make me blind with your glimpses in my eyes only, as I am fed up with worldly affairs. I want only one role to be yours and for you, forever. May this be my last birth and I rest in you my almighty, in the deep ocean.
I have “me” in myself. This me of mine is the root cause of all types of greed, distress and diseases.
When I was an infant, I was with my mother only. I always wanted to be with her only. She was my world for everything.
She was my life jacket in the world of problems from my first day on this earth. I learned to swim in this oceanic world under the supervision of my mother. She was my heaven. I was only comfortable with her.
When first time I was sent to school I felt alone. My troubles started with learning the first letter of the alphabet in my mother tongue. I started facing worldly vices. My mother made me acquainted with such affairs and gave me lessons to cope with them.
One day my mother left me alone in this world for her invisible journey to another world. I became an orphan and easy prey to all nuances of society. I turned from good to bad and from bad to worse and worst. I forgot to control my tongue and master the time for the sake of me. I could not behave like a sieve to be like a sage.
I was always right on the wrong side. Earlier, I had searched for myself in my mother but now without my mother, I had been a demon with harming tendencies. All earlier teachings were futile. I changed as per my needs and became more selfish. I had lost myself in me.
My love for myself had been a curse later in life. I wanted to regret and regain my childhood notions and thoughts. I wanted my mother to be with me again. But this was not possible.
I did not know the history of souls. My mind had a plethora of thoughts like waves in the ocean. I wanted to use my waves for me and for peace in life. I had recalled my mother’s teaching, – “the new path starts from where you become helpless and confused about life and devote yourself to the almighty. Then he takes care.”
I have surrendered to almighty for his shelter. This time my me is not for myself but for selflessness. My me has submerged into almighty. I have restricted myself to a minimum for living and requirements. My thoughts start with him and end with him – the almighty. My me is for your cause.
Now I am yours. Sorry, I have never asked – ” how are you “? I am pity on myself for losing you. My repentance may please be accepted for me.
I am not creator. I am contributor. I have always expressed my gratitude in my applications, written to the appealing authorities with selfish professionalism to extract favour from their arrogance, in holding a God like position, in their senses.
Professionalism is always for the self first. I have done all this for my self growth and for satisfying my ego. My ego has been a driving force in my professional journey. It has shown me both short and long paths to tread in this journey of life. I opted the path as per situational demand.
I think my sense of gratitude was not by heart, so it never gave me happiness after any achievement. I was deceiting my self. I had many companions in my professional journey, posing as my well wishers in front of me. But they used to dig my grave behind me for their egos. That was also a way of showing gratitude.
So, I understand that gratitude is a vehicle that carries everyone’s ego forward. The result of ego may be in positive or in negative, affecting the progress of units of executions. Rest lies in the hand of destiny.
Destiny is torch bearer. It is controlled by almighty. It is said that one can change destiny but that is also in control of almighty.
So, I think my sincere gratitude is to almighty. In my journey of life, I show my heartiest gratitude to all who have brought smile and happiness for me without expecting anything. My sincere gratitude in reality is for those who gave me experiences through their behaviours and attitudes. They have prepared me for odds and made me bold for existence. I reveal my gratitude and indebtedness to nature who has taken care of everything for my life. I have no sense of gratitude for my parents because I may not be selfish for them. My all thoughts end with them. They are my beginning and they are my termination. The lap wherein I got love, peace, security, safety and learned lessons of life has no suitable word in any language of the world for measuring and expressing gratitude. I may reserve my will above all for them. I always miss them. My mother is above all and her lap is above God’s heaven. So, all my gratitude are to everyone visible or invisible in life’s journey.
May I give gratitude to me for always being me. I do am, my destiny. My gratitude is to destiny.